Conversations with myself.

No matter what, there is no love like self love. There is no relationship that should be more important than the one we have with ourself. I hate lying to myself, telling myself I will get out of bed on time, won't eat the rest of the ice cream, will work hard if given a little bit of time to procrastinate. I have been working on being completely honest about stuff like this lately, and also on not taking myself too seriously. Here are a few poems/ quotes that I have run into lately all around this theme. 


The first a witty Miles quote:
"Some day I'm gonna call me up on the phone, so when I answer, I can tell myself to shut up." — Miles Davis
Next a melancholy bit of prose I wrote a few weeks ago when I was in a funk. 

"nights like this (telling the rain)"

on nights like this,  All

i really need is me. 

And some rain coming

cool through the warm air. 

Instead of shying away,

i turn my face up to it 

letting mist fall on my bare skin.

i feel like saying to it, 

"cut this pain that never goes

in half for me,

and we will see exactly

what it is to feel love.

i want to live without

longing for what could be."

the rain makes it

easy for souls to 

breathe, And

bit by bit i

can bear this

world

again. 

And finally, a poem by Derek Walcott, a poet I happened across for the first time not too long ago. Read it aloud and see if it does not bring a smile to your face by the third stanza. 


Love after Love- Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here.  Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine.  Give bread.  Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit.  Feast on your life.

Plato, Dalai Lama, Kawabata

For some reason or another I often have these massive upsurges of optimism where I believe that I can solve all of the worlds problems easily.  I seem to believe that numerous world leaders have overlooked some key thing that I somehow am aware of... I know that this is quite childish but maybe it is exactly  what the world needs? When I was little I remember asking my dad why we had money. I thought that if every human got everything that they wanted for free, and would do their job for free also, then there was no need for money.
 

Now,  I realize that there is no way that this system could ever work because of human nature. The elements of greed, a lack of moderation, and a mastery of moderating our pleasures and desires have all been present in humankind, at least humans as they exist within society, for thousands of years. Plato's description of the phenomenon of moderation is entirely applicable to modern society. Summarized (and boiled down) from Plato's Republic: Moderation is a kind of order. It is a mastery of pleasures and desires. Man can be stronger or weaker than himself. The soul is divided into a rational and irrational part, the irrational part is divided into desire and impulse. . . As soon as I write this I can apply it to so many typecasts of people in our society. Waiting in line the day the new iphone comes out. Needing to have a certain type of car, clothing, to be seen at a certain place. It is so disappointing the extent to which members of society (especially in the middle class) feel the need to keep up appearances. . .

Lately, I have been thinking that if people spent 15 minutes a day simply reading the latest headlines of the world's news the world would be a much better place. I honestly believe that if every human being on our planet considered themselves a citizen of the world- before they considered themselves a human of a certain race, a certain gender, a certain religion- then a great amount of the planet's troubles would be eradicated.

Now, to the point and finally getting this overdue blog published . . .

 Last fall I was given an assignment to write a vignette in the style of Yasunari Kawabata in my writing class at Berklee. We were supposed to write about a single moment in time or single experience. The class had just finished discussing the Dalia lama's essay "The ethic of Compassion" and I was thoroughly absorbed in it still while walking down a busy Boylston street to get to work. The vignette that resulted describes this walk from my classroom at Newbury and Mass ave to my office. It is entitled "pedestrian". However before I include it I will also include a quote:

"World peace must develop from inner peace. Peace is not the absence of violence. Peace is the manifestation of human compassion.-Dalai Lama"

"pedestrian" -Jenn Allen 10/2008

the girl was not thinking so much as she was living. as she walked down the street she pondered the world.

     oftentimes, while walking, she attempted to answer impossible questions by using her thoughts. the problem she often encountered with this was that the city was mostly full of life, of colorful things that often caught her eye and caused her to forget her present thoughts. thus, the girl never did think so much as she became caught up in the happenings around her.

     the girl was sensitive, but was shy about her sensitivity. she had encountered conflict and anger while a small child, and as a result whenever she experienced either she would usually react by feeling sick to her stomach and crying numerous tears. after enough  exposure to conflict in her life, the girl had so many scars from previous wars that she eventually grew a shell to conceal her vulnerability from the whole world. because of this shell, she never let another human see her shed even a single tear, determined to never let anger have its victory. she lived constantly in a mindset of cheerfulness, and was attempting to think through how she could learn to be unconditionally kind to all beings.

     on this particular day her thoughts were almost entirely unfocused. the weather was partially to blame, it was pleasant for late autumn. she had worn her rain coat because before the day had grown warm, before sunshine greeted her unlined eager face, there was a cold fog over the entire city.

      so without thinking, she had began to cross a street a little too late, and she found her self stranded in the middle of a busy intersection. at this moment, her world, that most always had a general air of cool calmness about it, became a little frantic. if she had been thinking more than she was living she may have altogether avoided the situation.

     looking to her left, the girl saw a large white van, one side was painted to indicate that the van carried medical supplies. seeing this van, she made an assumption, however afterwards it turned out to be drastically incorrect. she had assumed, seeing the van, that a transporter of items that could potentially save lives would kindly let her cross the street- and postpone their own travels for her sake.

     she could not have been more wrong in her assumption. the driver revved his engine and the van lurched forward. the girl met the gaze of the driver and was surprised to read on his face a look of pure rage. she stepped back to avoid being hit by his van, only to see the driver abruptly halt. she rushed across the street, looking apologetically to the driver.

     after crossing the street, she breathed in some warm air and sighed. just as her body was nearly returned to its present state, she heard a screech of tires and saw the van turn onto the street that she was now walking alongside. as he passed the girl, the driver opened his passenger’s window and shouted at the girl angrily.

     the driver’s shouting simultaneously reminded the girl of every single time she had been shouted at in her entire life. this effected her like she was a tree that had been grabbed by the trunk and shaken until all of its leaves were on the ground.

     she pretended not to have even heard the driver and continued her walk. thinking that feeling nothing would be better than feeling insulted and hurt.

     the girl sighed, and realized that refusing to recognize all powerful emotions just because there were some that were painful was not as good of a survival strategy as she had thought originally.